# The Crime Machine, Part I by Reply All from Gimlet Media
and “I love your podcast! You don't think you're any good because you're so experienced who try to suck up to you but hopefully you can see through it!) So if you say “No I'm not, no I'm not, no I'm not” every time someone . Here's a compliment to you – you rock Christina! Reply. Christina says. They're both in the second part of the story, but if that's not something you want to hear, this might be a good one to skip. Ok. [REPLY ALL. Reply All is when you respond to everyone on the thread. Other recipients will see a message you Reply All to, whether they're in the "To" or.
Get out of here! And has like moved into the slums, and they just like make these movies now. Like they're working on like a child Kung Fu movie. Child Kung Fu movie? It's like it's a Kung Fu movie, but it's all kids. They're like five years old. And it's all super violent, and like everybody dies in every scene.
They're like very enjoyable to watch. How- so- and- and so they have this company together now, or? It like, meshed with these weird fat knuckles thing. Like the guys in the VR Chat. Those are from the movie. Anyway, like all of that, like, Ugandan action movies, virtual reality shenanigans, minor Sonic the Hedgehog characters—in the context of this tweet, all that represents war. Oh and that also explains the caption of this tweet, which is sort of, which is the line: That is half of this.
So, what do we do? We throw to break now? I feel like we throw to break. Half of one tweet. Coming up after the break, the second two boxes of this quadrant of mystery. Alright, so we're halfway through. This is the most complicated This is definitely the most complicated tweet that we've ever deciphered.
Yes, this is, this is the most Because this tweet is itself sort of like a table of contents. It's like a table of contents to an undecipherable book that no one has read. Ok so we've got "famine," we've got "war. Ok, I think "death" is actually the next place to go.
So "death" is like a white teenager holding his hands over his mouth looking pensive with Uh, he's got a green animal— PJ: He's got a Pokemon hat on? It looks like a Pokemon hat. It's the aliens from Toy Story.
Oh, he's wearing an aliens from Toy Story hat, ok. Get it together, bud. Ok, so this is like Oh, you're so lucky that you didn't know this story up until now. So are you familiar with the Paul brothers? I am familiar with Logan Paul. What do you know about Logan Paul? Enter me, year-old laughs white dude.
Logan Paul was on Top Chef? Logan Paul was on Top Chef. So what did Logan So for people that don't know, and I don't know how much you know, but like Jake and Logan Paul are two, uh, American teenagers who got famous very young on Vine, I didn't know Logan Paul was on Top Chef.
Logan Paul was a guest on Top Chef, because he's got a huge Instagram following. He got all his followers to show up to one of the Top Chef events. So they had a food truck event, and Logan Paul like led his hordes of followers to the food truck event. And what was your impression of him? As like, this person showing up in my world? It was really an ill fit. He's got like— PJ: He's got like swoopy blonde hair And like, talks like, "Yeah, dude" all the time, but like, in a really, like sincere, completely un-ironic, clueless way.
But, him and his brother Jake Paul, um, who's the same as him. They are actually sort of geniuses. Like, I mean like, they're not famous to you, but for anyone under 20 they're basically like Beatles level famous. Beatle, like the crowds of teenagers that follow them, it only looks Okay, this is Logan Paul at just a mall in Dubai. So they did, they wanted to do the biggest meet and greet ever. So he runs up onstage and so it's just like teeming And he's not doing anything.
He's not performing, he just stands up onstage and kinda waves. It's so funny, he's like Yeah, no he loves it. It's like he loves it! That look, when he first walks up and he turns and smirks at the camera. I just wanna like What do you wanna do? Punch his popular face in. Yeah, so grown-ups hate him and his brother, teens love them.
And the thing that they're like actually, like officially famous for is they do these YouTube videos where they do stunts. It started off being like "We're gonna set a couch on fire. We're gonna, like, jump out of a moving car. They make like millions of dollars a year on these videos like just through YouTube ads and like merchandise they sell.
Like it's this empire of spectacle. And like, the world of cute guys on YouTube who do dumb things for attention, it's kind of like boy bands: Imagine if one of those boy bands showed up and they were like, "No. We wanna stick around. We're gonna figure out how to make this like a sustainable business.
Every new boy band that comes on, they're gonna be on our label. But the downside of it, is because they've been going for so many years, they have to keep topping themselves. It just like- yes. At 22 years old I bought my first house for 6 million dollars and moved my two boys in with me. I bought a school bus, and then turned it into a cool bus. I adopted them as my little brothers and directed a music video of theirs that got 30 million views, then made a song with them that got million views that you may have heard.
Ok so here- the reason laughs Every tweet is a painting to me. That sort of ended a few weeks ago when he decided to fly to Japan and shoot like a fun, creepy video in what people refer to as the suicide forest in Japan. Yeah, oh I heard about this. And people have written about it. And was he hoping to see? So they go in, they immediately… and this was a surprise to them.
They immediately encounter an actual corpse, which they show, they blur the face, but they like zoom in on the body.
And then this is them reacting, sort of. How our lives unfold. We found a dead body. This is literally the [squeak] craziest thing of my life. Nor the good sense to not edit it and post it on his channel. And so, and also like all his viewers… How many viewers does he have?
Yeah, so millions of teenagers who subscribe to his channel sort of like thinking they were going to get another funny Logan Paul stunt all of a sudden saw like a dead body in the forest. And then it became this huge thing. And he had, like, a defensive apology, and then he had a less defensive apology. And he's actually kind of disappeared from public view for a few weeks.
So but that's what That's the Logan Paul. So "death" is Logan Paul. Logan Paul is, like, one more harbinger of the coming apocalypse is Logan Paul, who is "death. Alright, we have marched our way through three of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. I don't know what "pestilence" is. Uh, it actually kind of It plugs into uh, to Logan Paul a little bit.
Ok, so what is "pestilence? You don't know what the word means? I know what the word means. Yeah, now that I mention it, wait do I know what the Pestilence is just illness, right? But they always say, like, "disease and pestilence," right? Uh, a fatal epidemic disease, especially bubonic plague. So the pestilence frame, just to remind you is two like sort of old-timey, Disney looking, possible bears. It is an old cartoon from the 30s, and it's the Three Little Bears.
But for some reason, the three little bears in this cartoon are like sort of fresh off the boat Italian stereotypes.
And all it is a five second clip of them coming in and seeing their food has been eaten. And this is what happens. Somebody toucha my spaghet!!
But people thought that was very funny. It is very funny. There's something funny about spaghet. They started taking this very short animation clip with this funny phrase in it and started remixing it in all of these different ways. How many retweets did that original thing get? It hasretweets. That's like the only good thing about the internet. You're not going anywhere.
Literally, the cut off the "I," and it'sretweets. So I'm sure you're familiar with the fact that people really like making jokes about the Smash Mouth song "Allstar. People just like making jokes about it. Did you know it and you just wanted to make him sing it? I ain't the sharpest tool the shed. Because they just know that that is enough to like put that song in your head for three days.
So anyway, so, this is an example of what people have done with it. That's the entire thing laughs. So, uh, another really good one is there's I'm just gonna let him soak it in for a little while. This one has even less context. It's a song from one of the Kirby video games. Kirby's just a video game character who's like a big, purple ball. And someone just made this using the music from the game. I thought he was big, pink cloud. Pink cloud, that's what he is.
A big, pink ball is what he is. Somebody, somebody toucha my spaghet! Um, here is a scene from Full Metal Jacket. What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?
Somebody toucha my spaghet! It doesn't go anywhere? No neo nazi picks it up?
#127 The Crime Machine, Part I
Nobody turns it into a weapon that they hurt somebody else with? No, someone turns it into a weapon that they hurt somebody else with.
Um, so you may be familiar with another Youtuber, goes by the name PewDiePie. Do you know PewDiePie? I know a lot about PewDiePie. The most popular Youtuber in the world.
Right, he got popular by playing video games that people would watch him play on Youtube.Stop asking the question - HOW ARE YOU? Learn10 Stylish Greetings in English.
He also just, just as like an addendum to the Logan Paul thing. PewDiePie got in trouble recently for saying the n-word.
And then he'll sort of like, apologize in like a "I'm sorry you took me using the worst racial slur in a bad way," kind of way. And then he'll show back up. And when Logan Paul got in trouble, PewDiePie was sure to chime in and say like, "Well people are- people are- why are people not more mad at him when they were so mad me?
Like watching an adult person do that was very strange. Weirdly I feel like what's sort of going on They said it was bullying to criticize somebody for mockingly taking a video with a dead person. Moderation is an imperfect art. Youtube's just doing their best. So in response, PewDiePie put up a video called, "Youtube touched my spaghet. It's him talking about how YouTube took his down his video and how mad he was about that, and what an incredible double standard it is, and what kind of favoritism they play with the Pauls, and him just laughing hysterically about how funny "Somebody touched my spaghet" is.
At the same time? Let me see it, let me see it. Alright so here, here he is. Take all these horrible things that happen. He couldn't think of anymore! You know, there were still the pimps with those Eldorado Cadillacs, like with the hearts for windows. Jack said that he was getting an education in Times Square.
He said he was getting a master's degree in crookology. He was starting to believe that he could read crime the way, like, a weatherman can read a weather pattern. I talked to this guy Jimmy Nuciforo who worked for Jack. He told me a story about Jack doing this. And so, during the holidays everybody's coming out of Macy's and going down into that Subway.
And he was absolutely right. So we would play that foot area there, and every day we would lock up pickpockets there. You know, and they were like all over these people. Um, you know, like bees on honey. Stuff like this was why Jimmy and Billy thought that Jack was a genius.
Don't arrest people in California. Don't arrest people in New Jersey. Don't arrest people in Times Square. You are a transit cop. So they transferred him to the Bronx. You know, it could take you two hours to get to work on the train.
She was a transit cop, later on, she and Jack actually got married. She said that when the department decided to punish Jack in this way, they made a crucial mistake, which is that they forgot that to get from Howard Beach to the Bronx you had to transfer through Times Square. So when he got off at Times Square, he always made an arrest laughs. Then you have to process it, and then you're down in central booking for 12 hours.
Once you make the arrest, you're done for the day. And he never made it to the Bronx. He never made it, ever. He was assigned to the Bronx, and he made an arrest every day. Transit was its own punishment. The Siberia under Siberia, Jack called it once.
He spent over a decade down there, stuck in the tunnels. For the people who believed in him, the tragedy of Jack Maple was that he was somebody who could have done something.
Pleased to meet you in many languages
He'd been this like bright young cop. He was the youngest detective in transit. I talked to this guy Mike Daly. And he told me the reason for all this was this thing that happened to Jack this one night when Jack was The night he almost died.
He was at 42nd Street and Bryant Park in a canary yellow jumpsuit with Elton John sunglasses, buying drugs and locking up drug dealers.
And he ended up wrestling for his own gun with this guy. The guy got a hold of the gun and shot twice twice at Jack's head at close range. They ended up wrestling for it. And the guy got shot. Both of them survived. And Jack made the arrest. And he looks inside and there's all these laughs well-to-do wealthy people on the other side of the glass, drinking and laughing and it looked like a world where nothing bad could ever happen.
And for the rest of his life, that left him with a lot of sympathy for other people who ended up on their backs, dying unimportant deaths. And he also saw what the city can offer you and what the city should be, and how great the city should be.
And why shouldn't it be great for other people too? Inafter a decade in purgatory, Jack caught a tiny break. He got put in charge of this small squad that would investigate repeat offender robberies. The people who were committing tons of robberies in the subway.
People who rode the subways were getting attacked. They were getting attacked by big groups of people, a minimum of five, but sometimes as much as like 20 or 30, who would just mob their victims on the subway. Things were so bad that the public school chancellor had asked if the police could have special armed subway cars to escort kids to school.
The 4, members of the transit police had been unable to stop this. Jack was going to try to do fix it with 24 cops. Everybody said these attacks were random, but to Jack they didn't look random, because he saw these patterns in who got attacked. Like for instance, Asian people were getting attacked way more than anybody else. He did a victimology study, he found that they were four times more likely to get attacked. So Jack came up with the idea of starting a decoy unit. And so we all dressed like, you know, average everyday people that either get mugged or people that are on the train.
The NYPD had actually done decoy units before.
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But Jack did not like the way they did them. They were borderline entrapment. But Jack's goal was that he wanted to target the repeat, violent offenders—the people who were intentionally targeting the victims who showed up in Jack's studies.
So he said, our decoys should just be like an Asian cop who pretends to be asleep with a nice watching on. We're going to actually have cops dress up as every kind of victim that we see show up. So one day he looks at Billy. Billy was this straight, macho cop, He did not want to do this. So I come in Friday night and they have a wig, a bra, and some other things waiting for me.
So they stick Billy in middle of the subway car, and then around him there are a bunch of undercover cops who are dressed to look like random subway passengers.
Jack would wear this really ugly Playboy Bunny sweater. Jimmy would dress up like, kind of like his idea of what like a punk rocker looked like.
So we would do things like, the backups, we would roll joints right on the train out of, um, Lipton tea. We would use Lipton tea and roll joints. Was there anything else that you would do just to like seem more credible? And some of the-- the, uh--the backups would start dancing in that rear car and other guys.
Perps would get up and they'd start dancing. And it's like a party and that's what it was known as, the party car. Somebody would pull out a knife to cut the necklace off his throat. It really never took much time. We were instantly robbed. Everywhere we went, you know, in, in a matter of minutes, we had—I think we had been robbed like six times in, you know, like an hour or something like that.
But before they could get away, this crew of undercover cops jumped on them and arrested them all. Over and over again it worked.
Somebody who looked like a victim could actually just be another undercover cop. Wolfpack robberies plummeted from 1, a year down to So, credibility in hand, Jack unveils his actual big idea. The thing that will transform not only New York City, but the entire world. The New York City subway had subway stations. So I kept blowing Jack off.
And I just thought it was an ominous task to actually have to get up on a chair and, and tape pieces of paper to a wall, representing every single subway station. But he does it. And now Jack shows up, just holding the crime stats for the subway. Like, a huge print out that has every single recent robbery. Pages and pages of information, you know, on this dot matrix ancient printer from, you know, it seems like 1, years ago.
# Apocalypse Soon by Reply All from Gimlet Media
And when you look it, it just looks like garbage. Take this like endless spreadsheet of all these different crimes, and start putting them on the map. And initially we would use markers or pens and color it in.
And then we just started using, um, these different color sticky dots. It was updated every single day with every single crime represented by time. So, a bunch of blue dots at Times Square, those were all pickpockets. The color coding was huge. Because that really just spelled it out for you. There's a problem over here.
And it could either be one specific location or it could be one train line, ya know, the whole line and you see it going down. And these purse snatchings were happening in a way more dangerous way.
People were hiding between the trains and grabbing women's purses as the train sped through the platform. They were worried somebody was going to get killed. And when they looked at the charts, they realized, oh, wait a minute, all these new purse snatchings are actually happening on one train line. Not only that, they just happen across a few train stations and always in the afternoon. So Jack puts all his cops on that one train and they're able to identify a suspect. I go to his apartment, so I knock down the door, and this motherfucker, I mean I gotta hand it to him.
So the guy gets away. But not long after that, Jack's able to catch him. And in the weeks after that, they see that this whole, enormous purse-snatching crime wave, it goes away. It was all just the one guy, which for Jack, confirmed this theory that he'd had, which was that crime was like any other industry—a small percentage of people did most of the work.
And with the charts, he felt like he could identify the criminal overachievers, arrest them and make the city much safer. An unprecedented drop in subway crime. Thousands of crimes prevented. Robberies cut three times faster than the citywide robbery rate. Felony crime in the subway dropped 30 percent in two years. Go down into the subway! Subway riders in New York actually letting passengers off, being obedient New York City was as dangerous as it had ever been, but the subways were this, like, oasis of relative calm.
So inthis new police commissioner takes over the department, Bill Bratton. And he says two things that are extremely shocking. One, he's going to cut crime in the city in half. And two, his second-in-command, the guy who's going to pull this off, is Jack Maple.
Welcome back to the show. And everyone agrees that this idea is terrible. What, are you kidding me? This is Mike Daly again. People didn't just hate Jack because he was a transit cop in a bowtie. They also hated him because he was marching around the police department telling everybody they didn't know how to do their jobs. In his 10 years as a nobody transit cop, the thing Jack had learned more than anything was that the police department only really tried to solve one kind of crime.
Basically, stuff that happened to rich people, white people or rich white people. And you could even see this in some of the department's actual policies. So that means that you could have your life savings stolen from you and nobody was going to investigate it.
But if you were Donald Trump and you had a painting taken, we would have 30 fucking cops there. We're saying if you're poor, we're not going to investigate anything. Crime victims who were poor, crime victims who were people of color, the crime that happened to them, in a million different ways, it was just invisible to the police department. Mike says, right in the beginning, he remembers Jack actually trying to show him how bad it was.
You got any homicides? We got two there too. Which is a lot of the crime.