The Death of a 7 Year Relationship – Be Yourself
We're celebrating 6 years love today and what a learning process it has been. Traveling is a powerful way to revive a relationship and keep things Well, not entirely since we'd already been engaged for 1,5 years. Enjoy my short story and open-eye moment of making the right decision. will probably do in the first year after a long term relationship ends. my opinion the breakup excuse has a shelf life of about 6 months. oh.
Survive the Shock I remember him driving away and walking into my house, feeling incredibly confused and shocked. I remember I spent the entire night, tossing and turning in my bed, trying to make sense of what just happened. Bits and pieces of the conversation kept replaying in my head. For the next few weeks, I definitely suffered from shock, which aligns with the first stage of grief.
It took me a couple of days to even tell my dad, because I was so shocked and did not even know what to say. In order to survive the shock, I knew that I needed to keep myself busy.
Sometimes, we need to take some time away, to distract ourselves before we can come to terms with situations. The first step was to go to work the next day and pretend like nothing had changed. Even though everything was not alright, I needed to pretend that it was. I remember going to school the next day, breaking down in front of my department chair, warning him that I might be irrational and could potentially throw a chair at a child.
Unfortunately, my teaching suffered; my students did a slew of busy work at this time, because I just needed to get through my day. At school, people sent me milkshakes, wrote me cards, gave me endless amounts of hugs, constantly checked in on me. My friends sent me thoughts of love in the mail and secretly planned social events and forced me to go. I had to do whatever it took to take it day by day. Throughout the next few weeks, I made sure to over book my calendar. I made sure that I went to the gym or yoga every single day.
On the weekends, I worked, went to the pool with a friend, made dinner plans. The weekend I was supposed to visit him, my roommates and I planned a mountain getaway and we went rafting and hiking. The times that I knew I would be alone, I would try to call a friend or relative, just to keep my mind occupied. When I drove to school in the morning and no one was awake enough to talkI would blast my music and sing along; even though he was constantly running through the back of my mind, I tried to keep myself and my immediate consciousness busy, because it was too painful at that time to really divulge into it; I was still so confused.
I knew that I was about to embark upon a journey of healing from a six plus year relationship, and that if I continued to keep up with his whereabouts, I was going to add more onto the processing, which would inevitably take me longer. At 23, I did not necessarily have time for added-bonuses. I took down our pictures together from our office. I deleted his phone number from my phone so I was not tempted to call him and also deleted all of his text messages.
Going through my Facebook and deleting all of our statuses, pictures, and chats together was a little too painful that comes later but I felt like this was a good start. I am a do-er and I was relieved to begin do-ing something about the break up. Go Through Catharsis Grieving is really great and really important.
As a society, we do not spend enough time grieving. We try really hard to cover it up, pretend like nothing is wrong, push it in the backs of our minds. But really, we need to deal with it. This song always makes me tear up mostly because I think about the movie itself—Disney always has a way to make me emotional and at this point in my life, it had special meaning.
I could not control myself—my eyes just started welling up. Luckily, I had one of those fabulous lemon lavender washcloths on my face so no one could tell. I cried by myself, I cried with my grandma and my mom and my sisters, I cried with my co-workers during my plan period. I created a sad song playlist for myself so when I got home and was feeling incredibly pent up, I would sit on my bed or my bath tub, depending on how clean it was and just let myself cry.
And, soon, the need to cry stopped. Soon, I went an entire week. Learn Mindfulness I learned mindfulness in two settings: Mindfulness basically means that you are consciously paying attention to your state of mind. It is actually very difficult and requires introspection and a whole lot of patience.
If my mind wanted to go back to that scene at the local town fair, then I needed to allow myself to wander there.
If my mind wanted me to be angry, then I needed to allow myself to be angry. As I continued practicing these mindfulness techniques, a strange phenomenon started occurring: I began having vivid dreams about him and his mom. I remember dreaming that I literally beat his mom up. Another time, I dreamt that he was chasing me at some party and I kept rejecting him. After all of these dreams, I woke up the next day, feeling incredibly refreshed, relieved, and much happier. Each day, a little layer wore off, I felt a little lighter, and I could go longer without thinking about it.
Abolish the Anger What I have learned is anger is a nasty, nasty emotion. It is immature and often leads people towards very irrational, very savage behaviors. Part of my mindfulness training was learning how to pay attention and regulate my emotions. So, I began making a list of all the things that made me very angry about him and the breakup, I spent some time actively rationalizing that anger, and thought about solutions to overcome.
I knew that I would never be able to proceed to the other stages of healing if I could not get over my anger. Although I did stick to Step Two and forbid myself from contacting him, a part of me still wanted him to call or text me. Everyday when I returned to my car from the school day, I would anxiously check my phone, hoping for some kind of correspondence from him. And, it never came.
10 Things You'll Probably Do The First Year After A Long Term Relationship Ends.
I was disappointed that I never heard from him because, after processing the events, there were so many questions I stil had and so many things I wanted to tell him.
I wanted to tell him I was concerned about his relationship with his mom, I wanted to ask him when he knew things were not going to work out, and I wanted to ask him why he continued to string me along. Unfortunately, I would never get the answer to those questions.
I felt very hurt that I had devoted six years to taking care of this guy, and one day, he never wanted to talk to me again. But, what I had to remember was that he was going through the same breakup that I was going through. Whether he checked out of the relationship two months before or not, he was still going to have to adjust to life without me, which meant no nightly phone calls, no text during the middle of the day, no Friday night plans.
And, in fact, perhaps he was not contacting me because he did in fact care about me, and knew how hard the breakup would be for me, and wanted to respect my needs. Regardless of if that was the true reason, or he was just a selfish jerk, is irrelevant, because rationalizing it in that way made me feel better.
I made so many sacrifices for him and now I feel like those went for nothing: When he dumped me so suddenly and so heartlessly, I felt very unappreciated, as if all of those sacrifices I made for him went for nothing; I made those sacrifices to keep our relationship together and as it turns out, it was going to fall apart anyways. I had to remind myself why I did those things in the first place: And, I had to remind myself that I cannot take credit for doing nice things for people if I want some kind of reward or affirmation in return; then it becomes an entirely selfish act.
If I gave him a foot massage because I wanted him to take me to dinner, then that was not an act of kindness, but rather a business transaction. If I bought him a really nice birthday present because I wanted him to buy me a nicer one in return, then I cannot consider myself a generous person. And, doing nice things for other people reminded me about the joy I got from doing them for him in the first place, and I suddenly let go of that anger.
What if there is another girl?: This was perhaps the hardest line of anger for me to get over. For a long time, I refused to believe that there was another girl involved; how could he have been dating me that whole time, perhaps started feeling something for another girl, and I was completely clueless?
Whenever anyone brought this up as a possibility, I brushed it off. No, that could not be true. He would never do that to me. But, as it turns out, there probably was another girl. As my friends told me much later onwithin a few short weeks, there were pictures of him on Facebook with another girl. There were a few things I had to remind myself. First of all, I was back on the dating market as well.
So, when the time comes for me to get another boyfriend, he can get angry too revenge is so, so sweet sometimes. But, the truth of the matter is, something in him changed that did not fit me anymore.
How to Keep a Relationship Fresh After Six Years
It was his change; not mine. And I certainly would not want to be with anyone who was pretending to date me. If he decided one morning a small, skinny, June Cleaver type who cooked and baked everyday would work better for him, then so be it.
Yes, it is painful to know that he probably moved on very quickly, but I also reminded myself of the kind of boyfriend she was getting. I refused to know anything about her.
If he was talking to her while we were together, I did not want to know. Where they met each other and if I potentially knew her, I did not want to know. When they started officially dating, I did not want to know. I did not even want to know what she looked like in the event I saw her in public somewhere. This was a very difficult urge for me to stifle, but I knew that if I stalked her Facebook, I would probably find out something that would hurt me, and I was on the road to recovery.
It did not matter anyways. We had this weird love triangle going between him, his mom, and I, which was a huge reason for the breakup. I blamed her for driving a wedge in between our relationship, for feeding him thoughts about how I would not be a good wife or a good mother, I was angry for her not willing to meet me and to ask her to see my side of the story, and I was hurt that she would think of me as an inefficient person.
I believe what the Bible instructs in these passages is that forgiveness cannot be sought; although there are things people can do to repent and express their guilt, forgiveness cannot be sought; it cannot be forced. Forgiveness comes from the person within. There is really nothing anyone else can do to make you forgive them.
Yes, they can show you ways they are sorry. They can do something nice for you. They can compliment you. But, much like sorrow and anger, forgiveness is an internal state that we must overcome ourselves. We are all sinners; we all act in impulsive, self-assuring, immature ways.WHY I ENDED MY 5 YEAR RELATIONSHIP + what I've learned
In fact, the day a patient was first prescribed them they always had this gaunt look like they had not eaten in a week and gradually over the course of their treatment they would look healthier and then eventually the weight gain would begin. If you happen to be one of those lucky people, go fuck yourself, I mean good for you. My journey of self neglect, excessive drinking, a lack of a will to exercise and a terrible diet did different things for me.
At the end of the day you may end up unhappy with how you look and there is only one person who can change that. Sometimes you actually have to become a whole new person. One of the largest struggles I had as a newly single person was that I had no idea who I was. The main reason for this was the incredibly codependent nature I had within the relationship.
Over time, without even realising it, I had moulded myself into an idea of what I thought my partner wanted me to be. From the kind of literature I read, to the way I looked. He never demanded any of these things from me, I just gave it all so willingly because I had such little self worth when we met that on a subconscious level, this was the way to keep him.
When the relationship ended, so much of my identity was built on being part of a couple that I had no idea how to function. Imagine it as a chance to get a new start. Discovering who I am as a single person has probably been just as rewarding as being in a relationship, if not more. The year of firsts lasts longer than a year.
One of the big things I focused on in that first year was getting through the firsts. The first birthday, christmas, valentines day. The first time you. The first time you have to deal with a family drama or tragedy.
There are so many firsts that will not happen in the first year. There was actually a period where I was constantly having the same dream.
Then out of the blue I would see a commercial where someone is being loving, or watch a youtube video about a flash mob marriage proposal, or even meet someone who had a similar nose to my ex and I would be back at square one again.
The fact that occasionally a perfume someone is wearing reminds me of my previous relationship means that I still have those memories. On that journey I will have moments where I wish I still had that life because it probably felt a bit easier.
Someone Perfectly Explained What Happens In A Relationship After “Butterflies” Go Away
You will realise how patronising you were to your single friends before. I was that coupled person who loved helping my single friends. Of course you can stay on my couch while you sort things out with your failing relationship. Oh honey, let me get you a glass of wine and you can tell me your problems.
You have to accept that even the strongest of relationships can become a Gotye song. The Belgian-Australian singer songwriter hit the nail on the head. You will grow and change and so will they, and just like regular friendships, the changes and growth can force you further apart.
The bottom line is, just like romantic relationships, if you want to keep them, you have to work on them.
My Post-Breakup Journey After Ending an 8-Year Relationship - Wit & Delight
Pat Benatar was right, love is a battlefield. It sounds depressing but recently I told a friend that if I never have another long term relationship again I think I would be ok with it.
- 10 Things You'll Probably Do The First Year After A Long Term Relationship Ends.
- My Breakup Project: How I Survived a 6 Year-Relationship-Breakup in 1 Year
- The Death of a 7 Year Relationship
Nobody can ever take away your memories.