7 Steps to Healing Broken Trust | HuffPost Life
Relationships flounder when trust is broken, which, unfortunately, is all too felt betrayed but decided to ignored their instincts, brushing the issue under the rug. These four important steps will help you rebuild trust in a relationship. When we break this trust it is not just with the other person, but often with ourselves. Betrayal hurts, especially when your significant other is the one to break your trust. It's natural to feel angry, devastated, and lost. Here are 9.
The betrayal cuts too deep, leaving wounds that can remain raw for years. The betrayed partner often is the one who finds the emotional and psychological injury too painful to overcome. The impact of broken trust determines whether the relationship can be saved. The severity of the sting felt by the betrayed partner is very individual and will differ for each person depending on the situation.
Certain factors make it much harder for the injured party to move forward. These factors typically include: Infidelity involving short-term or long-term emotional and sexual affairs Deceptions involving lies, including hidden or withheld information Leading double lives involving another relationship or family that pulls time and financial resources from the primary relationship Repeated instances of infidelities, lies, and deceptions, after repeated promises to change and remain faithful The lack of trust is so familiar to many couples that they have come to accept it as the status quo.
To understand the concept of violation, let's return to the scenario of the betrayed woman. You may wonder why she can't accept your apology and move past your indiscretion. She says to you, "You just don't get it. She believed this to be a "safe place," where the emotional connection between the both of you reside. Lying and infidelity usually fall within the "no fly-zones" of committed relationships when it comes to what ranks as top deal breakers.
So when the promise to be honest and faithful is not upheld, the broken trust not only involves damaged verbal promises but a break in a core commitment to each other, on an emotional and spiritual level.
How to Heal From Broken Trust and Get My Partner to Trust Me Again
When these lines have been crossed, or even blurred by indiscretion, a painful violation has occurred, resulting in a broken bond of oneness of heart and spirit between the both of you.
The toughest pain to heal in a committed relationship is the pain of betrayal - the wound of a broken trust. But it takes a lot of patience, honesty, self-introspection, and forgiveness. It also should be expected that you, the offending partner, will unfortunately have the bulk of the work to do, as you attempt to rebuild your relationship and get your partner to trust you again.
Here are some practical steps you can take to begin that journey toward healing. Decide What You Really Want - Before making any impulsive apologies and promises to change, make sure you want to remain in the relationship. Consider that you may have been sabotaging your way out of a relationship to which you are no longer committed.
Make sure your decision to win your girlfriend's trust back is not done purely out of guilt and obligation. Honesty Upfront - When your girlfriend confronts you, confess.
Think of it as your first test which is an assessment by her to see if she can trust you again.
Denying what she already knows or may have proof of only feeds into the deception, further diminishing her ability or desire to trust you. Consider confessing before you get caught; it will increase her ability to believe that you are sincere in wanting to correct the error of your ways and make things right.
Take Ownership and Responsibility - It is a fact that when a relationship goes sour, it's usually a two-way street when it comes to taking responsibility for what went wrong. But in cases of broken trust, deception, and infidelity, it's important to take full responsibility for the choices you made in dealing with the issue.
Once the secret is out, it's not a good time to divert, deflect, or place blame elsewhere, except where it belongs. Focus on your own behavior and refrain from finger-pointing in an attempt to justify your bad choices.
Express Empathy - To be empathic means to imagine what another person is feeling in a particular experience, as if you've stepped into their shoes. To express empathy means you have shown understanding on an emotional level, with words. To that end, familiarize yourself with the feeling words that accompany the emotional impact of broken trust. They include, but are not limited to: Try to use these feeling words in conversations with your girlfriend to validate her and show cause-and-effect between her feelings and your behavior.
For example, "I can see now how my choice to deceive you causes you to feel anger, hurt, and rage toward me.
Show Remorse - To be remorseful means to have a conscience. It implies that you are able to assess possible character flaws within yourself and look at the effect your choices have had on the person you hurt.
In order to show remorse, you have to come across as sincere in believing that you did something wrong, and be accountable for it. A certain level of guilt has to be evident in an apology, with no excuses or justifications. The easiest way to show remorse is to let go of any bravado, defensiveness, or attitudes that run counter to your goal of winning back your girlfriend's trust. Create New Trust - In order to regain trust after a violation of it, you may have to accept that it is truly broken beyond repair.
When trust is damaged by infidelity, memories of the deception are forever attached to the incident, or multiple incidents. So it becomes incredibly difficult to "rebuild new trust" from what has been tarnished without throwing away the "old trust" first. This is done by making new promises with sincerity by pledging to uphold a new trust bond between the both of you, starting today.
Your trust is measured by what you do and not just what you say. For example, if you say you'll arrive home after work at Your behavior is the yardstick by which your trust is now measured, a day at a time, until consistency is achieved and new trust begins to grow. Don't Create Suspicion - Be careful not to trigger your girlfriend's fears and insecurities by engaging in behavior that reminds her of your past indiscretions.
Even when you aren't doing anything wrong, she is now hypersensitive to every ring of the phone and ping notification of an email or text message.
She'll wonder who you're talking to if you leave the room to answer a call. She will suspect you are meeting with someone other than who you say you're meeting with for drinks.
9 Steps to Healing Broken Trust in a Relationship | PairedLife
Be guided by the question "Is this information necessary for the healing of our relationship? It's not necessary to give details that will be unnecessarily inflammatory. Try to see the questions as an opportunity for you to demonstrate the kind of truth telling that your partner needs to see in order to begin to trust you again.
Even if the questions seem to be repetitive or unnecessary, they need answers in order to come to terms with the situation. Listen to their feelings, all of them. Don't analyze, evaluate, judge, or reason with your partner in regard to any of their feelings.
How to Heal From Broken Trust and Get My Partner to Trust Me Again | PairedLife
Listening without disputing is not equivalent to agreeing with someone's point of view. It's possible to listen respectfully even if you don't see eye to eye about everything. Feelings aren't necessarily rational, but they are real. You will have your turn to express your perspective, but not until they've expressed what they want you to hear.
Reassure your partner that they can take as much time as they need to rebuild trust. The process will probably take longer than you think it should and will require self-restraint and compassion.
In the end however, it is likely to bring about a deepening of the connection between the two of you. Resist the temptation to urge them to "get over it. I can give you all the time you need. Acknowledge the truth of what you've done and avoid any explanations, rationalizations, excuses, or justifications for your behavior. There will be a time to view things from a larger context when your partner may be more curious about what conditions in the relationship were contributing to the situation, but that will come later.
Stay focused on your intention. The work of recovery from a breach of integrity in a committed partnership takes time and effort and can be humbling. The stakes are high, and the benefits from doing the work are enormous. A successful healing can transform a damaged partnership into a sacred union. Many couples have told us that in the end, the crisis that came from the betrayal ultimately led to a profound deepening of the love and trust that they both currently share.
Keeping your word in the first place will spare you the anguish of healing a betrayal. But in those cases in which the damage is already done, most of the time, recovery is a real possibility. And the benefits greatly outweigh the costs of reconciliation.
Take it from the thousands of couples who have found out for themselves. For more on conscious relationships, click here.